One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
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[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
What do you call someone who only believes 12.5% of the Bible?
An eighteist.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Don’t go around saying you hate all people. Attractive people who have a lot of money are really lovable.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎹-🎹
🎹🎹, 🎶EVERYBODY DANCE NOW🎶
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
“My parents are supporting my blue check for the first few years of marriage but then gonna start paying myself.”
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
There’s no 5 second rule at my house.
The dog is much quicker than that.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.