(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
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Why are the people on soap operas always CEOs?
Nobody works at Walmart?
Banker: So, you’d like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I’m in.
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
Inspiration twitter:
“You’re worth keeping. If others walk away from you for any reason, it’s because they’re losers and they should feel badly.”
Also inspiration twitter:
“Never feel badly about walking away from losers who drain you for any reason. It’s self care.”
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: (who is terrified of becoming a vampire) Hopefully in a mirror
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
To save a bit of money on e-cigarettes I’ve started to roll my own batteries.
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
Bro what is this
[Americas Got Talent]
ME: *reads an opinion different than mine online without getting offended*
JUDGE (under his breath): how’d he do that
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.