The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
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I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Dirty Dancing is a really upsetting if you imagine it from the POV of Baby’s dad, a cardiologist who just desperately wanted a few weeks of peaceful vacation.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
me opening up to someone
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
I saw an ad for a tree removal service with the line “We’ll come to you!” Great idea! So much more convenient than dragging my yard across town.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.