this tumblr post deserves to be put in history textbooks
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DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Me: Two fingers here.
Son: OK.
M: One in the other hole.
S: Got it.
M: Relax your wrist.
Wife: WHAT ARE YOU TEACHING HIM?
M: Bowling. Chill.
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
“Pick a card, any card, make sure you memorize it, now put it back with the rest”: me, with my wife at the Hallmark Store on Valentine’s Day
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
A new restaurant in my neighborhood offers a tasting menu but it just tasted like paper to me.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
My milkshake brings 30-50 hogs to the yard.
And they’re like, “are these kids yours?
Damn right, you wild boars.
I could beat you, but you’re rather large.
My kids won’t stop fighting over a balloon in case you’re looking to pinpoint the beginning of my supervillain origin story
After a pretty wild late night last night, I was awoken at 8am by my neighbor mowing his lawn.
At first I was going to confront him about it but then I thought, whatever. He can just mow around me.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Just pushed my cat’s paperwork off his desk.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
bias laundering edition
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Breaking news:
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
If I was a ghost, I’d write “Happy Birthday” in blood on your wall for your birthday, cuz you may be cursed, but it’s still your birthday.