If a rookie ever pulls a gun on me and says “stop or I’ll shoot” I‘ll simply smirk and say “not with the safety on”, causing him to check and giving me the time I need to grab a gun, put on a bullet proof vest, do some elite training/conditioning, fire off some practice rounds,
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Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
“What if kids lost all their baby teeth at once? Kid turns five and their teeth start flying out of their mouth, like popcorn in a pot without a lid?”
“I meant questions about your root canal.”
“Nah. Hook up the gas and let’s party.”
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
Wife: can you watch our daughter while I take a nap
Me: sure
Wife: don’t go outside it’s too cold
Me: I’m not an idiot
[10 minutes later]
I couldn’t own a dog. The look of disappointment in its eyes when I throw a ball as far as I can and it lands right in front of me.
*first day as getaway driver
“I’m gonna make a Starbucks run while you’re in the bank. Who wants what?”
We didn’t start the fire
It was always burning
Since the world’s been turning—my thighs lying about the friction this summer
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Accepting donations for my opossum’s quinceanera.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.