Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
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It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
If by “exercise” you mean running down the street chasing the Taco truck , then yes I just exercised.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
I don’t need an alarm clock, I have a 70 lb lab riddled with separation anxiety that wakes up at 5:35 am barking, OH LAWD I AM ALONE FOREVER WHERE ARE YOU DID YOU LEAVE ME FOREVER THIS IS AN EMERGENCY TIMMY IS IN THE WELL HELP ME I AM PANICKING ALIENS HAVE LANDED PLEASE COME NOW
A dating app for people who self sabotage called Hinder.
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
YOGA CLASS
INSTRUCTOR: And now we go into downward dog
*loud thud
GARY WHO IS A T-REX: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just a bloody nose.
Do I hate when people answer their own questions? Yes.
Friend: Hey man I haven’t seen you since you had a baby. How’s parenthood?
Me: Up at dawn. Milk. Survive. Distract. Feed. Milk. Distract. Physical activity. Feed. Milk. Asleep at sundown.
Friend: Hahaha sounds like farming.
Me: That’s right. Parents are kid farmers.
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
son: dad, why didn’t you want to cut the umbilical cord when I was born?
me: [doing jump rope between him and my wife] it’s called planning ahead, son
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
Did I remember to take Ambien? I’ll ask my lamp. He’s speaking German but maybe I’ll get the gist.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
[about to climb Mt. Everest]
Me: omg is there no parking ?
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
Human are so complicated
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this