my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
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Cop: please step out of the car
Me: *pulling away* suck it, cop!
Roller coaster operator: he’ll be back in 2 min 24 seconds
Husband: We should go to Costco.
Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change?
H: I said Costco, not Walmart.
Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.
The last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood
I’m not sure what my wife thinks I do in the bathroom, but I appreciate all her support
“What?”
– Jude
if she doesn’t reciprocate ur first “i love u”, press ur finger to ur strategically placed bluetooth & say “oh cool u love me too? nice”
ME: You’re making me rock hard.
MEDUSA: You like that, Baby?
ME:
bias laundering edition
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
99% of my Dad’s excellent driving record is due to the defensive driving skills of other motorists.
What they say: “Parenting is hard.”
What they mean: “You will do your very best to take care of your child, and they will do their very best to stop you from doing that.”
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
I would watch the Bachelor if everyone who doesn’t get a rose gets thrown into a volcano
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Auditioning for a commercial:
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not butter.
Director: Cut, cut! It’s can’t. The word is can’t. Ok? And action.
Me: Mmm. So delicious. I don’t believe it’s not can’t.
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[On a date]
Me: I want to be buried under a large oak tree, give my body back to the earth
Him: that’s so sweet
Me: no I mean right now
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Houseguests should have a mandatory bedtime.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Superman: Kinda sucks you can’t fly.
Batman: It’s okay.
Superman: Why?
Batman: My planet hasn’t exploded, so I can still walk and drive.