Sexy Time:
*removes fluffy bathrobe to reveal second even fluffier bathrobe*
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[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
The International Space Station was assembled IN SPACE.
I can’t follow one page of illustrated instructions to assemble an IKEA dresser.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
You think you got your shit together until you try to spell Dave Chappelle
mugger: *points gun* your money or your life
me: sure thing *hands him my id* you got 2 kids and didn’t actually understand the matrix
mugger: no i mean-
me: *already running away* your late for steph’s recital
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
I hate when millennials make up new words and demand that we all use them. people should only communicate like they did before we started making up all these words: using short grunts & hitting each other over the head with large knobbly clubs
Don’t make me out nice you.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
Instead of a condom i keep a moist towelette in my wallet because i run into buffalo wings alot more often than sex
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?