I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
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Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
“This smoothie is spicy!”
“Ma’am, that’s salsa.”
new shirt idea
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
I was at an outdoor cafe in Chicago when two tiny beetles started having sex on my table, in broad daylight, like it was no big deal. That town is going to hell.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
You didn’t, the brakes did.
Cop: But do you know why?
Cuz I pressed the pedal with my foot?
Cop: Get out.
Mmmmm white people
– sharks
Me: I’m having a heart attack.
BFF: you are not.
Me: I am *burp* oh nevermind
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Why does Nike keep telling me to JUST DO IT? Maybe I don’t want to do it. I’m in my 50s. Maybe I just want to eat pizza straight out the box and take a nap
Blew my mind.
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
This forest scent air freshener is really working. Three elk have moved into my living room.
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.