[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO
You Might Also Like
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
[movie night]
5: what should we watch?
Me: anything you want
5 [opens every movie case revealing Space Jam DVD inside] not again dad
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
“siri i want 2 get up at 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a potato clock
“no siri the TIME 8 oclock”
u’ve bought a tomato clock
“si…”
u bought 100 eggs
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?
Steven: I love you
Stephen: I lophe you too
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
“Hey can I do it?”
Anaesthetist: sure, knock yourself out
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Marriage tip: There is never an appropriate time after a meal your wife cooked to say “This is not what Jesus died for”.
The dentist asked me what music I wanted to listen to during my root canal so I said “More Than A Filling.”
My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
judge: 99 yrs
me: is it cos i called ur gavel a justice hammer?
judge: no that actually helped
me: killing then
judge: yeah the killing