Maths meets science
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Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
Therapist was right, stress balls are helpful, I’ve been throwing them at people all day and never felt better.
Oprah says we all have a small child inside of us longing to get out & omg why isn’t anyone talking about Oprah eating children?
I’ll be signing copies of my tweets this Friday at Barnes & Noble in Salt Lake City! Just meet me by the bathrooms at 5:30 & bring a pen.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
Too tall: “How’s the weather up there?”
Too short: “How’s the weather down there?”
Average height: “I am cursed to rely on others to know what the weather is like”
A guy just asked me if I had any spare change. I told him I don’t carry cash and he whipped out a card reader. I wish I had that level of confidence.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
Motion detecting home security camera working well!
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
[Date]
ME: I own a hawk..watch. CLARENCE TO ME
[across town hawk at dinner w/ family]
WIFE:Just dont answer it
HAWK:*sighs* We need this job
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing