When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
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Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
*leans in for a kiss*
DENTIST: stop that
Imagine if you killed a shark then got reincarnated as a shark but the shark you killed was really popular & all the sharks knew it was you.
There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
I drink Boba and Capri Suns because I like to stab things before I enjoy them.
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement