Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.
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This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
I can’t stand people who are indirect
You know who you are
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
No matter who wins this election, there’s still only a 50% chance that the ice cream machine at McDonalds will be working.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Geologically speaking San Francisco is such bullshit. “I’m gonna make you go up three hills and down two hills to get anywhere!” Grow up.
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
I always cary a clump of my hair in my pocket so when people say, “I like your haircut”, I can respond with, “Thanks. Here, have some.”