Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
everywhere a sign. ⚠️
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
When you and your favorite bird are very high at the zoo
as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
I think my husband left me. I woke up and he’s gone. He better have taken these kids.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
I don’t know if you really meant to Like Ebola on Facebook, 8,000 people
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance