Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
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What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
If covid had hit in 2007, there would be 1000 tweets a day saying “Covid has to isolate after being exposed to Chuck Norris.”
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
Wish I had a friend named Keith who was good at fighting just so I could call him a keithal weapon.
A clean headbutting is the most elegant way to win an argument.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Are there people that are so into beating dead horses that we had to create an idiom to discourage them from doing so?
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
her: what’s up
me: i’m just driving
her: cool where
me: in the front seat
her: no i mean what location
me: driver’s side
Brushed the fur off my couch and made another cat.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib