[First day as a crime scene photographer]
Detective: please stop telling the corpse to “work it”
You Might Also Like
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
I just got a text message asking me to rate my Anesthesiologist during last week’s heart procedure. I’m like, “How should I know?”🤦
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
I’d like to meet those almond milk farmers. Shake their teeny hands.
Nothing like standing up after sitting for 15 minutes to turn my swagger into stagger
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
#catsoftwitter
“Whatever we do, let’s make sure it takes forever” – soccer players
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Why did Gandalf bring a firework that suddenly transforms into a dragon to an elderly dragon attack survivor’s birthday. does he not like Bilbo
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.