We have a local weatherman who often forecasts “changeable skies.” He makes a lot of money to make that call.
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I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
R-E-S-C-E-P-T, found out I need a dictionary
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
Holy shit, remember rhymes with September. If no one thought about putting that in a song, I’m gonna be rich.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
5yo: Dad, if you make me take a bath I will scream and yell and cry, and then you will have to give me a consequence. You don’t want me to have a consequence do you?
How scared do I need to be for this kid’s teenage years
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
🛁
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Trains are just sideway elevators.
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
This year for Mothers Day, I’d just like all the charging cables back that my kids have stollen from me
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h