My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
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Thanksgiving regret: no one at dinner wanted to talk about why the family members on TV’s “Dinosaurs” were all different species of dinosaur
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
calling dibs, but dibs never calls me back 🙁
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
Don’t check on your introverted friends this time of year. They’re probably turning their lights off and pretending they’re not home
interviewer: any interests outside of work
me: war and space documentaries
mom: he means star wars
me: mom stay in the car
mom: nerd
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Never be a pizza!
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
Ladies, why y’all do this?
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
My husband has recently discovered that he’s a coffee snob.
Husband: I think I’d like a grinder.
12yo: Download it from the app store
Me:
Husband:
12yo:
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
It used to be cool to see fighters from different disciplines compete in mixed martial arts, but then the guys with swords started winning everything and they had to change the rules.
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Sorry I can’t come to your party, I already made other plans after you invited me.