STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
You Might Also Like
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
twice now the building diva has stormed off angrily after i spoke up in defense of myself, she gets one more, then i unhinge my jaw and finish her.
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
[Sonic]
Me: … and 17 orders of tater…
Voice from the speaker: Sir, again…that’s not how toys for tots works.
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
there comes a point in every parent’s life when they consider the possibility that they might need to lower their expectations
My Guy
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
getting a gf is actually very easy you just have to spin a basketball on your finger
ME: we wave at each other just about every morning but I always seem to forget your name…it’s Gary, right?
NEIGHBOR: Deborah
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
It’s a sad day when you find out there’s a hot person behind a cartoon avi.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.