Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
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We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
WIFE: You know Hogwarts isn’t real? It’s just part of series of fantasy novels.
ME: *chasing an owl around my garden*
WHATEVER MUGGLE!!!
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
A “hootenanny” is someone who babysits your owls.
My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
unless you’re ryan reynolds driving a taco truck, i ain’t chasing shit
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being inclusive. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.
Friday night party time 🥳
moms in horror movies
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.