The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
You Might Also Like
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
*eats way too much delicious space pudding*
Me: Oof I am STUFFED! What’d you call this again?
Alien Chef: OH MY GOD YOU ATE MY GRANDMOTHER!
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
Me: Ahh finally, some sleep
My brain: Do saltwater fish get thirsty?
Me: Goddamnit
[in Walmart]
“Excuse me, do you have towels?”
“Oh, I don’t work here.”
[leans in close]
“I don’t give a shit where you work.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
I just slipped on a banana peel.
It didn’t fit.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
Me: we can’t climb on this
My Kid: the older kids are climbing too
Me: yeah but there are signs all over it saying not to
My Kid: ohhhh these guys are probably too dumb to read
Older Kids: *sheepishly climbing down*
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.