How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
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Got a tattoo of my mom telling me not to get a tattoo
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
[first day as a jedi knight]
*accidentally runs light saber thru the washer and dryer*
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I’m thirsty
Dad: I’m…thirsty
T: I’m hungry
D: I’m…H…Hi Hungry, I’m Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
He just like my cat fr
The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
Nothing scarier than unlocking your phone in front of coworkers and not remembering what the last thing on your screen was.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Salesperson: Hi ma’am can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Inventor of the Number 1 Pencil: Surely you will be the most popular pencil!
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours