Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
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Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.
Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
All you dads out there couldn’t hold a candle to my dad. He’s petrified of candles.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
life is like a box of chocolates: it kills dogs
Him: Did you poop in the shower?
Me: Is that an actual question you’re asking me right now?
H: Well who else could it be?
M: How about one of our kids that’s known to do stuff like that and not YOUR WIFE THAT TRADITIONALLY DOESN’T SHIT THE SHOWER?
H: Oh that makes more sense.
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Trying to sound more sinister in normal conversation. i just invited my friend out for a drink tonight but i did it by saying “do u wanna meet me for a simple drink at a regular bar no strings attached nothing weird”.
[having sex]
ME: sex sounds
PARTNER: are you saying “sex sounds”
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.