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Husband: she bit me
4yo: No I didn’t
Me: how did Daddy get this bite on his arm?
4yo: his coworker
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
All the Christmas gifts I wrap look like they were done by a drunk elf with a tape fetish.
Only 10 more days til Halloween!
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
Mud season creeps up on us every year, destroying hearts and minds as well as light grey carpeting.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…
Was it jail? I bet it was jail.
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
Opened a bag of turkey jerky that smelled kinda weird but ate one anyway and when I looked at the package I realized I accidentally bought dog treats. Still pretty good tho
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
I saw a guy with antlers on his car, so I shot it.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
Treat your relationships as you would your teeth, daily attention and they could last a lifetime, too bad the same can’t be said for hair.
Waiting for the Charmin
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.