Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
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“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Teacher: how should we punish the students?
Principal: make them stay home
Teacher: that doesn’t seem like a punishment..
Principal (just 3 kids in a trench coat trying not to laugh): omg they’ll hate it
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
a car is a metal ravioli and you are the meat!
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
barn owls must have been stoked when the barn was invented
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship