Firecrackers let you know how close drunk people are to your house.
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It’s crazy how quick women are to cut each other’s throats over a guy!
I mean I’d understand if it were shoes….but a guy???
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
[in Batmobile]
Superman: Hey
Batman: Sup?
S: Promise you won’t be mad?
B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I was walking into the store and some man said, “Hi beautiful,” and I replied, “Hello yourself.”
…. that’s when he pointed to his Bluetooth.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
A friend with a wine shop simplified wine tasting down to one question: Did you like it? I take this same approach with most writing and most other things and rarely feel a need to judge or rate or analyze in any more detail than that. Well, that and did it give you a headache?
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
SORRY FOR MY POOR VOLUME CONTROL REGULATION BUT THIS IS A GOOD CUDDLE
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Me: You are pretty.
She: Thanks.Me: I wish there was something between us.
She: Me too.Me: Really?? Like what??
She: A wall.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
Just realized I haven’t fed my imaginary friends since a tea party when I was 6 so they’re all dead now.
#CatsOnTwitter
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
One day i’ll figure out how many seconds you can be nice to a cat before it tries to kill you…. today was not that day
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.