Me: Honey, would you please go downstairs and get mommy’s medicine and bring it up to her?
3yo: *Brings up a bottle of whiskey*
Me:
Hubby: “Well, she’s not wrong…”
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I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
this is why you always check the reviews before ordering one thousand live crickets
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
BOSS: is your make up tattooed on?
ME: yeah it’s exhausting to have to put it on every single morning
BOSS: why a clown though
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
[first day as a pilot]
This is your captain speaking, in the event of cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling and untangling them will annoy you before you die.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
U talkin 2 me?
[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
Her: I don’t like you drinking vodka straight.
Me: Well, I can put on skinny jeans and purple V-neck to gay it up a little bit.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don’t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
I see Google have dropped that internet specs thing then?
“Google Glass”
I know what glass is, Catherine.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
I’m jealous of Eminem because my mom never made me spaghetti
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
You gotta admit Wile E. Coyote going through the entire process of making a movie just for it be scrapped as a tax write off is incredibly on brand for him.
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥