that feeling when you hold her face in your hands & gaze into her eyes like she’s the universe, then u think “wait a minute, who’s driving”
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“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
Doctor told me I need glasses. So I’m having several tonite.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Director: one of you actors tampered with my DNA last night!
Tom Cruise: not me, I went cruising
Elizabeth Banks: I was at the bank.
Gene Hackman: *drops test tube in surprise*
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
Man, the way these journalists are complaining it’s like they only went to Sochi to use doorknobs and go poop.
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
ME: [outlining corpse] I need other chalk
CHIEF: Just use white
M: Permission to speak freely
C: Go on
M: How can I draw the hair w/o yellow
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Car trouble, miss? Allow me to squint, and posture heroically while staring at your labyrinthine engine as panic cascades through my spine.
I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.