When you’ve simply given up.
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Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
Apparently my daughter lost the lid to the toothpaste and I’ve never been so happy to know she’s actually using it
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”
This is still funny.
KY jelly is the worst tasting jelly.
I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn’t do what I wanted.
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
[Reality TV]
HOST: Welcome to America’s Next Top Psychic! Please, try not to–*One contestant stands up*: I WON!
H: –ruin it.
For my morning walk, I’m not blasting music into my brain. You are not going to hear anything more lovely them the way the birds sound today and also I can’t get my earbuds to work.
A woman just pulled out her checkbook to pay for groceries and even the cultured butter dropped an f-bomb.
Shut up and put on your matching Adidas track suit so everyone at Costco knows we’re a couple. Don’t make this weird.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
Get an attack dog, name it Anxiety, laugh and laugh and laugh at Anxiety attacks.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense