Marriage is one person sitting on the couch eating Cheetos while the other looks for the remote because she can’t hear the TV
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“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
NyQuil:
Because who doesn’t like to dream about your cat turning into your dog and your dog taking you for a walk and picking up your poop.
They say women only use 10% of their anger
SPOUSE: I have to work late Thursday
OUTER MONOLOGUE: I am going to miss you
INNER MONOLOGUE: I am going to eat something very stupid
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
I give it a month and all of us will have buzz cuts.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Twitter is like Words With Sociopaths.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
Annual reminder.
If Christmas decorations were meant to go up in November then surely they’d be called novorations.
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Pumpkins are so versatile, they can be made into pies, lattes, carriages…