Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
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Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
“Shotgun!” I yell as I push past the others and climb into the seat.
I am subsequently escorted from the airplane.
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Neat, your girlfriend is made out of the same stuff as your air guitar!
I never lock my car. What is someone gonna steal, my thousands of McDonald’s napkins? Perhaps my broken sunglasses? Every water bottle my kids have ever opened and took one sip of? They’d be doing me a favor.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
When I ask a tall person to reach something in a public place, what I really wish they’d do is pick me up so I can reach it myself.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.