French fries are like the lifeboats on the Titanic. They never give you enough.
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
It’s really disturbing how that bear family in those Charmin commercials are so open with each other about shitting.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
“she was often seen eating a rotisserie chicken in her car”
~police asking for help in my disappearance
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Me: Somewhere out there my soulmate is watching this same murder documentary and eating a block of cheese in her sweatpants
My husband:
I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
REASONS TO KEEP A WRITER IN YOUR HOME
• they know weird facts
• they’re low maintenance because all they do is eat and write
• great for midnight chats because they don’t sleep
• if they have to edit they’ll procrastinate by cleaning your whole house
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
Saw a ‘Book Of Opposites’ at the store today and I couldn’t help but wonder why they didn’t call it a Contradictionary.
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
When my husband goes outside to investigate a strange noise, how long do I have to wait before un-pausing the show we were watching?