Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
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my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
I am “I have to go to bed because my back hurts from sitting on the couch” years old.
As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus
Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
I woke up to someone snow blowing their driveway at 6 AM. I taught him a lesson by locking him outside.
The Office: Coronavirus
Michael ignores the “work from home” memo because he thinks that everyone should be together at a time like this
Dwight acts completely normal & claims genetic immunity
Angela wears a hazmat suit
Kevin says that he’s had it for weeks & feels fine
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Age 21: Goes out for drinks after 9 PM and gets home at 2 AM.
Age 37: Has one tiny little sip of water after 8 PM and has to get up and pee three times before 2 AM.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.
COMPUTER: HINT: name of best friend
ME: Jen
C: Jen sounds nice
M: Wh-what?
C: Is Jen single?
M: Uh…
C: Answer the question. Is Jen single?
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My boyfriend is being so nice to me since I showed him how easy it was to remove blood from carpeting…