[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
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Spider-Man is my favorite superhero whose name is made up of 2 things that scare the shit out of me.
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
It’s the anniversary of Tetris. We should have a block party.
Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
This rocks
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My cousin just announced that he and his wife are pregnant with their second child.
I had a big announcement too, but I guess getting a 24-pack of hot dogs for $2 will just have to wait.
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
*puts down 1000 page thesis*
*adjusts microphone*
*looks at audience*So, and hear me out, what if Mr. Miyagi actually paid those schoolboys to bully that kid so he can get his house fixed?
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
1980s : average parent ; 4 kids
2016: average kid ; 4 parents
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
He a real one for that
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀