I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
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I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Son: [cracks knuckles]
Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]
Jackenhaal and Gyllenhaal went up the Hyllenhaal.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
A lady just walked into Taco Bell, dumped every hot sauce packet in her bag and left. I should follow her. What’s the rest of her day like?
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Give a man a fish he eats for a day then explains fishing to you even though you’re the one who gave him the fish
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
Breaking news:
I’m so old they didn’t even name my generation. They just called us hoodlums.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
I do yoga so I can dress myself when I’m single.