If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
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My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do Cowboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a cow and a boy love each other very, very much…”
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
When you’re a tall person in a hotel shower
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
*ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
Me: Facebook is trying to silence me!!!
My wife: no I just changed ur password because you kept replying “wow…really??” to all our friends posts
Untitled Goose Game (2019)