Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*
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“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
can’t = can not
don’t = do not
won’t = wo notdo not @ me i wo not answer
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
MOVIE IDEA: Jurassic Park, but the fences all work and everyone just has a really lovely time.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
neurosurgeon: *turning my head upside down to shake out a pebble*
I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
My daughter just told me that she’s the boss of me, and when I tried to respectfully disagree she said “don’t you dare talk to your boss like that”
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
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cant be in the office one more moment, I have a moral, legal and biological obligation to be in front of a roaring fire going honk-shooo honk-shoo mimimimi