Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
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October already? What’s next? November????
OK, I’m ready for Senior Mints now.
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
My son just blurted out “crazy that fish breathe a beverage” and then carried on talking about other stuff but I can’t stop thinking about it.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
lawyer: juror number 4 why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
No thanks, I’m not hungry right now. I’ll just wait until after you put it away and sit down. Then I’ll have some.
-kids
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!