HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
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COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
Dropping your phone going up the escalator & catching right before it hits, awesome!
The woman in front of you wearing a short dress turning around and thinking you’re trying to take an up shot, not so awesome.
marvel comics have peaked
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
The 4 stages of a family vacation
Nothing like the door blowing off a plane to make us all appreciate a road trip
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
[i walk in and hang my hat on the hook, visibly dejected]
wife: how did the interview go?!
me: terrible
wife: what? did you get a chance to show them your biggest strength?
me: yeah. guess they aren’t fans of the tickle monster
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
What I thought I was doing: Leaving my house for a girls’ afternoon at a local winery.
What I was actually doing: Explaining to my 5yo why he can’t call the police just because his dad asked him to pick up his Legos.
I’m going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
“STOP TELLING ME WHAT TO DO”, I yell to my 5 year old.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Ah yes. The three genders
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth