Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
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SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
BEST FRIEND: Dude I’m broke!
ME: …
DAUGHTER: I have to sell my house!
ME: …
BROTHER: I have NOTHING, you took it ALL!
ANGEL ON SHOULDER: You should help them.
MONOPOLY GUY ON OTHER SHOULDER: FINISH THEM!
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
I made eye contact with my neighbor while taking out the trash and instead of doing something normal, I did a curtsey
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
no, YOU’RE clutching a string of kielbasas like rosary beads
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
I’m at a track meet watching my sister compete in weight throw and shot put, and I’m wondering what is going to hurt tomorrow from sitting on the bleachers 😂
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
Bison may look friend-shaped, but they already have all the friends they want. Keep your distance and don’t make it awkward.
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
I just misread genetic as generic. I don’t know whether to blame the poor eyesight I inherited from my dad or these store brand reading glasses.