I put the p in pants.
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Catercrombie & Fish
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Impossible.
Me: What? Why?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Imagine how difficult it would be if you had two colleagues, one called Ian and one called Iain, but Iain only had one eye.
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
No thanks farting robot on the wall I’ll use the paper towels to dry my hands nice try though
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
6: Dad, let’s make a deal. Let me be in charge of everything, and I’ll let you have 10 coffees a day, also you can have…
Me: Sold!
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Heading out crocodile.
See you another time alligator.
Day 4: They suspect nothing.
📸:
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
THE GIRL SCOUTS ANNOUNCED A NEW COOKIE NAMED RASPBERRY RALLY AND IF THEY THINK THEY’RE GOING TO GET ME TO BUY MORE OF THEIR UNHEALTHY, FATTENING COOKIES TO RUIN MY DIET, I’ll take 25 boxes please.
If you judge how good or bad someone is at breathing are you aspi-rating?
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.