How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
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My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
ME: so what do you do for a living
HER: I work for a moving company
ME: where is it today?
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Be nice to your children’s teachers. Especially elementary ones, cuz kids have loose lips and that teacher has all the dirt on you.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
ME: i’m nervous
WIFE: don’t be. just be confident
[later]
BOSS: so do you think you’d be right for the job
ME: *confidently* no
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I have a cut on my leg Doc
“Yeah that legs gotta go sir”
But its a tiny cut
“Sorry, I cant save it” *sharks fake doctor outfit falls off*
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
me: as soon as I get home from work, I’m going to clean the entire house, get my workout in, and do some work on creative projects
my bed: [chuckles darkly]
30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Need tips on making something look like an accident.