My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
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Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Just once, I would love to look my kid in the eyes when he gives me a picture he spent a long time coloring, and have the nerve to say, “could you make me another one…that’s not what I wanted,” just so he can get a sense of what it feels like to make him dinner every night.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
yeah st. louis has some weird eating habits but did you know that when you ask for pizza in chicago they give you lasagna
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
“How old are you?”
Things you say to your third child.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
the sexual tension between me and an extra hour of sIeep
me: i knocked through a fake wall in my bathroom and there was a whole secret furnished room behind there
friend: you live in an apartment complex
me: oh yeah
Me: What’s your name please?
Customer: Hal
Me: I never met a Hal What’s that short for?
Customer: Harold
Me: I’m gonna go ahead and write Hallelujah
Boss: Could you ever just don’t?
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Camp counselors who choose to have our kids make slime and bring it home in their backpacks. Why do you hate us?
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
Batman had the bat signal.
If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.