The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
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#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
“You’d better run, egg!”
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
Me: When the cocoon hatches, the caterpillar turns into a butterfly.
4-year-old: That’s it?
Me: What did you want it to be?
4: A dragon.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
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ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
You guys have been the worst hostages I’ve ever used, hands down.
*everyone lowers their hands*
GODDAMN IT!!
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness