Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
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Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.
One minute you’re young and fun and the next, you need a tow out of a beanbag chair.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
[first day as a bartender]
* just pours melted cheese into martini glasses *
If I tell you I can’t text you because I’m driving it’s only because I’m also eating.
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”
I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in
Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.