If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
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[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
the worst part about cooking for others is not licking the utensils every time you stir something
my dance moves can best be described as “did that dude just try to leap frog?” & “whoa that’s a lot of blood” & “is he still alive?”
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
I have a black belt in leather
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
The guy who made my sandwiches told me Have Fun as he handed them to me. Not sure what he thinks I was gonna do wit them
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
Me: how about we role-play?
Her: ooh you’ve been a bad boy, go sit on the naughty step for *checks time left on the show she’s watching* 23 minutes.
welcome to Olive Garden! when you’re here, you’re family. sit up straight. have you gained weight? why can’t you be more like your sister
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.