Maybe if I tilt my head to the side I can understand english ~dogs
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Spider: what do you mean I don’t qualify??
Army Recruiter: look buddy, this isn’t the leggy
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
Celebrating a year since my bike got stolen and the wee boy put it on FB marketplace that evening and I stole it back the next day.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I love when the parent in a movie says goodnight and the kid actually goes to bed for the rest of the night. I laugh, I cry, I roll my eyes
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
“How do you know them” bro we go to the same social media
TSA Agent (looking at my ID): Is this you?
Me: I believe that is ultimately your decision to make sir.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
I am never leaving this website
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
A friend said she thinks she should buy her teen a chastity belt. I said try perming her bangs, that worked well for me when I was younger.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
my teen would like you to know I have allowed storms to disrupt our wifi when she had things to do
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles