[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
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had to tell my son that santa isn’t real in the middle of the night because he was hysterical about a strange man coming into the house, but made him *promise* not to tell his younger sister that he doesn’t exist. so instead he told her that santa’s dead
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
*licks lips*
*makes eye contact*
‘You gonna eat that wing?’
Asked the mechanic how much it would cost for my son’s car to pass inspection and he transferred me to their mortgage department.
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
The seance was ruined when everyone realized that the only spirit speaking through me was vodka.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
Only I can prevent forest fires? Why are you leaving me in charge of forest fires? I can’t even prevent chafing.
1st base: sex
2nd base: not wearing makeup
3rd base: calling each other
home run: discussing your mental health issues and past traumas
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
roman lesbians: *caesaring*
Sounds like a bargain
If being bad at grammar is a crime than arrest me.
[me in avengers infinity war, flying a helicopter] hey look down there it’s nick fury, omg wait help i’m turning into dust
[me in avengers endgame, falling to my immediate death having been brought back to life in midair] AAAAHHHH WHERE’D MY HELICOPTER GO
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
the moon landing, except it’s the moon, landing on earth. everyone is just as excited. at first.
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.