Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
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accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
(My romance novel)
“You have a pretty face,” he said.
“Thank you,” she said, lifting up her bangs. “I’ve got even more face under here.”
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I don’t care if he’s famous or not, what the Headless Horseman is doing is illegal
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
wife: our house is on fire! who you gonna call?!
[later]
ghostbusters (standing in ashes): you really should’ve called the fire department
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
TERMINOTOR: come with me if u want to live
ME: ok cool
*just sits there*
TERMINOTOR: COME WITH ME IF–
ME: ya i got it. im good right here
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
This pepper has seen some shit
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.