Teacher: What is the world’s laziest creature? You, at the back
Me, at the back: rude
You Might Also Like
As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.
ME: you really put the cute in executione-
WARDEN: alright hit the switch
I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
No selfies while hijacking a train.
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
If a British person calls 911 and says, “It’s a bloody mess” how does the operator know if there’s blood or the person is just being British
I keep overhearing people complaining about eavesdroppers.
Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
is it possible to write a slack bot that will automatically replace “huddle” with “cuddle” as a fun prank?
the answer is yes, yes of course. The good folks at HR heard about it and now they want to see me! gonna cuddle with them first thing tomorrow. what fun.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun